Holiday Confusion

Christmas with Ava is finally fun this year! YAY!

It was hard to explain to her at first. Because of Halloween, she thinks all holidays are about getting dressed up and asking for "canny" (candy). The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Ava, do you know what we celebrate on Christmas?
Ava: CANNY!! AND TRICK OR TREAT!!
Me: No, that's Halloween. On Christmas we celebrate Jesus.
Ava: JESUS!
Me: That's right, Christmas is Jesus' birthday!
Ava: JESUS CANNY!!!

It has taken a few more conversations, 2 nativity FHEs, lots of picture books, and "The Polar Express" movie (which is actually kind of creepy) but I think she has grasped the fact that we're celebrating the birth of Christ and getting stoked for Santa to come on Christmas.

I asked her what she wanted for Christmas from Santa Claus and she said, "BLUE!" .......So I'm working on that......

In the meantime, she has eradicated all feelings of grinchiness from our home, which is saying a lot because Danny lives here. (HEH HEH ZIIIIING!) She regularly sings Christmas songs that go something like, "CANNY CAAAAAANE!! CHRISIM TREEEEE!!!!! SNOWMAAAAAAAN! SANTA SANTA SANTA CLAUS!!!" Yeah, she says "Chrism" instead of "Christmas" and yesterday, trying to remember the proper pronunciation of the word, she called her ornaments "armpits" several times.

If you are feeling like a Grinch or a Scrooge this year? I will send Ava to your house for a day. She is like a little north pole elf, spreading her Christmas cheer and trying to get away with only eating from the four main food groups; candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. You won't be a scrooge when she gets done with you.

Wherein you understand the origins of "monkey soap"....as much as a person can

It started with some innocent monkey soap one afternoon.

If you're friends with me on facebook, you've probably already heard this story. But. I am retelling it. Because it is awesome.

I put Ava down for a "nap" knowing that there was a 60% she would just sit in her room and play instead of actually taking a nap. I went outside to get some yard stuff done. 30 minutes later I came back inside and my toddler immediately came downstairs.
Looking like this:

With lots of soap in her hair (I like how the hair on the sides of her head is untouched - like a man experiencing male-pattern baldness). The conversation went like this:

Me: Did you put something in your hair?
Ava: Nope.
Me: What did you put in your hair?
Ava: Monkey soap.
Me: Is there a big mess upstairs?
Ava: Yup. I a monkey!




There was really no way I could drum up any anger in my soul. It was too weird and funny. I decided the best course of action was an interview for posterity. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I love the noise her hair makes when she pats it. Heh heh.

Ava's first recital

Zzzziiiiiiinc!!!

So my email account was hacked again last week and I decided that it was way past time to switch things over to gmail. Ya know, get with the times and all that.

It was a really annoying process because hotmail and gmail don't like to do business. I had to do everything manually and guys? It was so hard. So much clicking and forwarding. It was seriously such a trial. But I slogged through it and I was able to get the job done and I feel like it made me a better person.

In this whole process I discovered that most of the old emails were from my best friend while she was on her mission in Croatia (there's no point in trying to hide the fact that we are sinners). Anyhoodle, I ran across this absolute gem that had me laughing pretty hard.

She wrote this to me before I left for a trip to China that would include a visit to Hong Kong. Since her parents and younger brother lived in Hong Kong we planned to visit them while we were there. Lauren, the Bonny to my Clyde, wanted to make sure that my visit with her parents was a productive one. She sent me the following email:

"oh yeah. and you have one major mission i need you to fulfill. and it is the following. when you're with my family, teach michael to say "zinngggg!" everytime my dad is insulted! whether mike does the insulting, or someone else, i just want to hear the zing! i'm trying to teach him annoying habits from far far away, just to keep my presence known in the household. thanks! also, i think the best way to teach these things is by example. from you and shannon both would probably be most effective :) k love ya!"

Let's just say that the mission was extremely successful but they all knew that it was Lauren's bidding I was doing. To this day, Mike still thanks Lauren or me for teaching him to zing. 

Heh.

still a pretty, pretty princess. and still awesome.

Me, circa 1991-92:

Me, circa 2012:

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Oy. This is My Life.

Ava and I took a trip to Utah last week. We left on Thursday morning.

The following ensued (law and order CHUNG CHUNG).

Danny's boss invited us to go the Lyric Opera in Chicago the night before Ava and I left. So between drive time and the time zone change, we got home at about 1:30 am (WORTH IT. The Opera was fantastic.). I got up at 5:00 am to make sure we would have AMPLE time to make it to my leedle frien's house, switch all the luggage out of my car and into hers, and make it to the Indianapolis Airport for our 12:30 boarding time. If you know me you know that leaving myself extra time to do anything is soooooo not me. I'm a last minute/always late kind of girl (and for the record? that drives me nuts about myself. I succeed 50% of the time when I try to make improvements in this area).

We left the house a little later than I wanted but we still had time in what I will call our "buffer window" so I wasn't too stressed.

Well. The fog was pretty bad. Schools were delayed and road signs were hard to read. So, naturally, I missed my exit but I didn't notice until I started seeing signs for a city 90 degrees in a different direction than I needed to be going. Sleep deprived panic ensued as I calculated the 40 minutes out of my way I had just driven.

I turned around and made it back to the road on which I was supposed to be traveling. Another thing about me? I kiiiind of speed sometimes. I think I was going about 75 in a 60. I didn't think about the stupidity of going 15 over the speed limit on a country highway until the highway patrolman was barreling across the median to pull me over.

Guys. Don't worry. Between the crying and the extremely legit reason I had for speeding I was able to get off with a warning. Annnnnnd I may have hyperventilated while he was writing his love note to me.

Just shy of my friend's house Ava had the biggest meltdown of her life because I couldn't find her binky. Like, she was halfway out of car seat and screaming so hard I thought she was going to hurt herself kind of tantrum. We got to the airport in just enough time. They even opened up a new security line for me (ummmm but how much of a hot mess do you have to be for an Indiana Highway Patrolman to let you off and the TSA to open a new line for you? Guys. It was seriously pathetic).

I was done with this day.

But then. a guy about the same age as my dad took pity on me as I was trying to coax my 2 year old down the aisle to board the airplane while carrying 3 bags, a suitcase, and a car seat. He literally just took everything out of my hands and asked what seat I was in. And then when we landed? He waited for everyone to get off the plane and then he came back and grabbed all my stuff to carry off the plane for me. And then I turned on my phone to see that my best friend, who lives in Utah, was in labor with her first baby.

And suddenly the crappiest day ever became a really awesome day.

Hey, 2012! Lookin' good!

We had our own little Christmas his year in our own little house and it was fabulous. Turns out Ava is a very neat present-opener and Santa only gives educational gifts. I tip my hat to you, Santa.

Our New Year's festivities took us to Dayton where we met up with my family and some very dear friends from Hong Kong and Utah. In fact, I got to see my best friend, who happens to be 7 months pregnant with her first baby, and her husband for the first time in toooooo long.

Side note: it's really kind of strange when your best friend marries some guy you've never met before who seems to be a good guy. But then it's kind of the best when you actually get to spend time with him a year and a half later and it turns out that he's really kind of awesome and hilarious. End of side note.

So here was our trip to Dayton, or some of it at least. There was a lot of laughing and game playing and general joviality.

We played outside...

Until we were exhausted.

We read books...

And Ava had her first tea party!!!

It was delicious....

We played Pretty, Pretty Princess,

nibbled on some delicious babies,

snuggled with loved ones.

New Year's Eve was a good time had by all as well.
Ava wrestled with the birthday boy

and snuggled some more. (This? Melted. My. Heart. And I just realized that he's wearing her sock on his hand. Mike, Mike, Mike.)

Then, I talked to my quasi-niece

and beat Brad at Hearts.

 We popped some bubbly (sparkling cider),

played Weird Face Game,

and then destroyed the place. (I was spraying the whole room but then I just decided to spray my husband.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR, CHUMPS.

The mess? WORTH IT.

I am so excited for 2012. I have some pretty exciting things up my sleeves...

STAY TUNED.

outing my sister's wine problem - she's going to love me for this title

I am planning a delicious Christmas Day dinner - probably the yummiest brisket known to man. I want it to be like, reeeeeeally good. So I am following every.single.instruction and ingredient to the T (it's quite involved). The recipe calls for a dry, red wine. Usually when a recipe calls for wine I use grape juice but this time I am using real red wine.

So I was at the grocery store, perusing the wine selection, wishing they had a section entitled "cooking wine for the devout and unlearned". I was too proud to ask the couple making a vodka selection for help but I could not figure out what wine to get. Is a sweet wine also dry? How come the only obvious dry wines were champagne? What's the difference between a merlot and a pinot noir? I needed someone to google these questions for me so that I could make an informed decision. Also, it had been like 7 minutes in the wine aisle and I'm pretty sure I was starting to look suspicious. So I did what anyone in my situation would do - I called my 17 year old (and also devout) sister for advice on wine. Listen. It seemed completely normal at the time. She was sure to be by her phone and therefore a computer because her phone basically is a computer because that's how 17 year olds roll these days.

So I called Shannon. My father picked up. He, apparently, was the one by Shannon's phone, not Shannon. So I started telling him about the situation and my father asked how Shannon would know anything about wine. Yeeeeeah. Good thing Shannon doesn't secretly sip booze, otherwise this would have totally given her away and I would be the "WORST SISTER EVER I HATE YOU!!!!" We started laughing pretty hard, my father out of the absurdity of the situation and me, out of embarrassment. "I just wanted her to google it. Can't you google it for me?"

And that's how I got advice about my alcohol selection from a former Mormon Bishop. Heh heh.

squeak squeaker squeak squeaken

Someday

In honor of my husband. Because I know how much he loves Justin Bieber.

about my earlobes

When it comes to the really important things, my family has pretty good genetics. When it comes to stuff that doesn't matter a whole lot?? There is some ugly lurking in the DNA.

I have inherited most of the ugly. Because "the ugly" isn't that serious I kind of feel like I brat complaining but, come on. Hypothyroidism (read: slowest metabolism ever)? Check. Hypoglycemia? I'm borderline now - give me 10 years and it'll be a big old CHECK. Ridiculously high arches? Got 'em. Varicose veins? Since I was 14. Man hands and big feet? Watch me palm that basketball while I wear Danny's shoes. Huge earlobes? Ha. Like your Grandpa's. Arm flab? Yup. A dash of the crazies? DOUBLE CHECK. Strange heart palpitations (I forget their proper name)? Unfortunately, yes. IN-GROWN FREAKING TOENAILS?? Yeah. Got those too. Large rear end and thunder things? You couldn't have missed that. Awkward amount of overactive sweat glands? Ha. Yes. Strange flat spot on my head? Thanks, mom. A propensity for sharing too much information? ........oh wait. That's just me. No genetics involved there.

The earlobes are especially bad. I remember several times in school when I would just be minding my own business and someone would start playing with them. I had to get them pierced three times because no one could get the earrings even. Too much yardage, I guess. I know I could have gotten it sooooo much worse but let's be honest. I got the nickname "Zoobaby" in high school for a reason.


So I get a weird amount of glee when I turn on my hulu to catch up on my Project Runway and there. they. are. Earlobes like mine!!!!!! And to whom do they belong? Well, to the hippest, cutest, former-Miss-Universe-Contestant-turned-fashion-designer-that-every-girl-wants-to-be, ANYA, that's who!!

ANNNNNNNND. AND she has a huge earrings on.

Gah. I love this. Although, it won't keep me from ear plastic surgery when Danny becomes a bajillionaire.

Carry on.

Ava's skills - you're welcome, mom.

We went to the high school football game last Friday.

Ava enjoyed herself thusly:





I love her.

The one where I talk about a sissy habit my husband has.

Danny divulged the fact that he isn’t good with blood (mostly his own blood) while we were dating. Well into our first year of marriage I learned that he is, in fact, TERRIBLE with blood.

It was his own fault really. He started tickling me. Don’t tickle an amazon and expect it to end well - I thought it went without saying. But he tickled and I squirmed and I ended up punching him in nose. He ran to our teeny downstairs bathroom, blood running down his face while I ran after him apologizing profusely and suppressing my giggles.

It was probably the worst nose-bleed I have ever seen but at the same time? IT WAS A NOSE-BLEED. Don't be a baby. I knew I hadn’t hit him hard enough to break his nose but I saw the color draining from his face and I remembered him telling me that he can’t handle blood. At this point he was hunched over the tiny little sink and just as I finished saying I think you should sit down, he passed out. The man PASSED OUT!

People of the internets, I have no medical training. I am not even CPR certified. I maintain that I can’t handle medical grossness (probably caused by seeing too much Liposuctioning on TLC) so I FREAKED OUT a little bit because my husband was dying in our teeny bathroom. The situation ensued thusly:

WHY is he snorting?? ABCs of first aid or CPR or something like that, right? A! AIRWAY! He can’t breathe very well, that’s why he sounds like an overweight, rabid dog. *Grabs husband’s feet and pulls heavy, limp body into hallway in an attempt to straighten him out so he can breathe.* This must be what it’s like to move a dead body. WHY IS HE SO HEAVY??? *Finally gets husband breathing normally and then begins to confuse passing out with getting a concussion. It becomes clear to her that she needs to wake him up somehow.* Where are the blasted smelling salts when you need them?! HOW do I wake him up?? Should I bleed him? Whyyeeeee do I read so much Jane Austen?? *At a loss and thinking that her husband has been out for too long she sits on his stomach and does what any normal person would do – she begins to smack his cheeks and shout “WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!”

He finally came to, looking all green and confused and sickly. He chilled out on the couch for the rest of the night and every time he started to dose I sweetly yelled, “don’t go to sleep! Don’t go to sleep!” because, you know, I thought he had a concussion. From being punched in the face. Heh.

So! When we started ripping up carpet in the house last week (side rant: WHO in their right mind moves into a house with wood floors and decides to lay carpet down instead of getting the wood refinished?!) and Danny’s blood started flowing freely betwixt the prying and the tearing, I had the presence of mind to be proactive. I didn’t want him passing out again so I covered the wound quickly, sat him on the floor, and made him drink water. He was green for a while but at least I didn’t have to drag his limp body anywhere.

Blood? Check

Sweat? Double check.

Tears? Not yet but it’s inevitable.

Wherein I profess my love for Costco and Costco replies, "it's about freaking time"

I think I have a mental issue. I kind of maybe possibly become emotionally attached to the personality of stores where I shop and feel like I have relationships with them (remember IKEA?). "But Tiffany, stores don't have personalities." To you, I say, whatevs. Stores totes have personalities and I will tell you about them.

Walmart? Walmart is annoying, trashy, full of junk and enables America's ridiculous eating and dressing habits (not that I feel strongly about this topic). Walmart IS Mountain Dew and cigarettes with dark roots growing in. Occasionally you thank Walmart for having the lowest price on the glider you want for your babe's nursery but then it turns out that the glider kind of sucks and you end up cursing them in the end anyway.

Target? Target was cool before Target knew it was cool. Target is a little too much on the red but overall hip, chic, and like an old friend you always enjoy but with whom you maybe spend too much money. For me, Target is actually an old friend I enjoy because I walked her aisles many-a-time right after I had Ava and just wanted to go somewhere by myself.

Meijer? Meijer is the original Super Walmart but with a soul and quality food and great shoppers and basically Meijer is Walmart's older, cooler cousin who's in college. And they also have an abfab gluten free section so we're pretty much besties.

And here we have my real crush of a store - Costco. The co of cost. My love for Costco has been restrained because I ALWAYS spend too much money there buying things that aren't. on. the list. and I leave feeling a smidge violated.

until today.

Today I conquered Costco's smolder and only bought the things on my list. Huzzah! and cheerio! and throw in an 'ello gov'na! So now I can TOTES love on Costco like I have always wanted. Costco is super hip, delicious, and always full of surprises. It also helps that I hit it right at "event time" (i.e. taste testing time) and indulged in some delish chocolate ice cream, sweet potato fries, and dark chocolate covered blueberries.

Guys, I love Costco and I don't care who knows it.

Just don't buy the condiments. You'll never get through them. And if you do get through a jar of mayo THAT BIG, you're going to feel super fat.

Oh yeah.

Also, lunch with monkeys?



Always more fun.

Tiffany Epiphanies

Things I have realized/learned today:

1) If your thighs don't naturally touch when you walk you will look awkward on an elliptical. QED.

2) If you really want to know about the area school systems, hang out in the locker room at the Y for a while. And eavesdrop. I never do this because eavesdropping is rude (read: I always do this even though eavesdropping is rude).

3) Whoever gets on a weight machine after me without adjusting the settings probably feels like a teeny oompa-loompa. Unless they are also large in stature.

4) The older gentleman at the Y who chats with me every morning is actually hitting on me. I will inwardly cringe when he calls me "sweetheart" and stares inappropriately at me henceforward.

5) I still have a lot to learn about being a woman. I would like to thank the gaggle of women in their 50s on exercise bikes discussing their mammograms and menopause today. I SWEAR I WASN'T EAVESDROPPING THIS TIME. I guess hearing fades with the ability to bear children because they were basically yelling about their sore boobs to the entire gym.

Thank you, life, for these lessons.

Pride mixed with shame mixed with bewilderment

One of my friends was trying access this blog at a hospital last night. It was blocked. The reason? Sex, apparently. I'll try harder to keep my writings PG. Wink.

Watch this. now. DO IT.

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

Yet another reason to love the BBC

You're welcome.

THE GREAT HAIR DEBACLE OF 2011

Now that it's pretty much fixed the healing has begun and I can talk about it.

So remember when you were like 13-15ish and you really wanted to dye your hair? Either your parents let you or you waited until they weren't around and just did it. WELL. I never really did this (well, one time my mom tried to dye my hair blue but it didn't really work so that doesn't count). SO. As an adult I felt the need to DYE MY OWN HAIR even though I've always been very anti-this idea.

I picked a nice shade of auburn red and I liked the outcome.



And then it started to fade. And my husband wanted to take me on a hot date to celebrate our third anniversary. And I wanted to look real cute for him. So I decided to do a touch-up. WORSTIDEAEVERNEVERDOTHISPEOPLE. I ended up with freaking red RED RED hair. Actually, it was mostly red red and a little purple red and some auburn red. It was premium level of ridiculous and of course I decided this was a good idea to do on Saturday afternoon, 3 hours before our date.

Looked a lot like that one girl from American Idol.... Allison Irahetaa;sdlfknasdf:



So I ran to the drugstore and got some "color oops", against my better judgement. NEVER GET COLOR OOPS. IT WILL MAKE YOUR "OOPS" INTO AN EXPLETIVE. I applied it and waited. and waited and waited and was scared my hair might fall out so I washed it off and ended up with red red around my hairline, BRIGHT ORANGE throughout most of my hair, and patches of strawberry blond. It. Was. Horrible.

Hard to tell with the lighting, but you get the idea:



A blurry cell phone image, but you can see the uber red around my hairline if you squint. SQUINT!


(I am sorry. I know this is a frighteningly HUGE picture of a really gross facial expression but I cannot get the resizing to stick so this is what you get. It's funny 'cuz I told you to squint. See how that's funny? See what I did there?)

There was no way I was going out in public like that and there was no way I was missing my date. So? Head scarf! I had a beautiful scarf my best friend brought me back from Croatia so I decided to rock the scarf.

The following is a reenactment:



Everyone was really nice to me at the restaurant. And by nice I mean they didn't judge the amount of red meat Danny and I consumed (Brazilian BBQ). Probably because they thought I was a cancer patient.

I also wore the scarf to church the next day. Thankfully, the babe did not feel the need to pull it off my head.

So then this morning a friend, who is a professional, took pity on me and fixed it. Thank GOODNESS. It still has some tiny patches of orange and a little hint of strawberry blond and it's uber fried now but it is so. much. improved.



Lessons learned:
1) NEVER embrace your inner-teenager. It can only end in tears. Or embarrassment. Or both.
2) ALWAYS get a professional to dye your hair.
3) If you still feel the need to do it yourself, do it on a Tuesday. When nothing else is going on.
4) Have awesome friends, like me.

QED

(Observation: why the HECK has that frown become my go-to facial expression?! I blame Lauren Hillam. Lauren Wittwer. As it were. (hahahahahahaha, see what I did that time?))

The BEST part of Christmas

My dad got an automatic tie rack for Christmas. He was very careful to read the intruction manual before proceeding with tie rack installation/usage. He found the manual to be very informative. As did we all. Here are a few of my favorite tips(none of the following are typos):

"Automatic Tie Rack Insturction Manual"

3. Rotate the top suport clockwise slightly (Caution: Strong power is not allowed, prevent hook from snaping)

5. Install in AA batteries according to positive and cathode indicated in the battery case

7. Operation of the Tie Rack: When press the right button the hook belt will contrarotate and the LED light is lighting at the same time, it means Tie Rack is in operation.20 seconds later the hook belt will stop running automatically, 30 seconds later the LED light will be dead; When press the left button the hook beltwill run clockwise and the LED light is lighting.

Caution (favorite part):

1. If the mechanism can not be runing for 20 seconds ( One working cycle) and the LED is dead when you press the left or right button, it indicates the batteries inside are out, you need to install the new batteries for working
2. Please install the new batteries 10 seconds at least later when take out the old batteries. Otherwise it wiill bring the mechanism died or make the program wrong


Ahhhhhh. Nothing puts me into the Christmas spirit like badly translated instructions from China. You win.

Merry Christmas